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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that therapy might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and nervousness.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This journey will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.