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Being a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.

Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.